suicidality supplemental texts
this is a list of supplemental texts to enhance the experience of reading my essay “on suicidality”. part bibliography, part texture, as always. and as always, this is an evolving list
the craziest part of me is a beacon and i trust her with my life, an essay by Clementine Morrigan about self harm, and the betrayal of well-meaning friends who don’t understand what it is to be held against your will
as always, “you have to relax”, a 2-minute multimedia production by The Minute Hour and Drue Langlois with music from John Cage. (i’m embedding it this time because i hope that will make more people watch it)
or as I sometimes call it, “evil Mr. Rogers vs. Kenny Loggins”
“Harold and Maude” (1971), one of the great political films of the last century featuring a soundtrack by the towering Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam (I think he is back to Cat Stevens these days)
“The Haunting of Hill House” (2018), one of the best examples of the “the real horror is the trauma generated by the nuclear family” genre that was in vogue for a few years there. It does have ghosts tho. Also one (1) lesbian character!
I made a spotify playlist to go along with the essay, because apparently that is what I do now. A lot of choral music on this playlist, including Pärt and Vaughan Williams. But also a Swans track. And Daniel Johnston. Hi, how are you?
This is a piece I wrote for children’s choir in 2020. The Ann Arbor Youth Chorale graciously premiered it in 2022. It is a setting of a little-known early poem by the 20th-century writer Tillie Olsen. The poem is from a series she wrote at age 14. I will post the complete text under the video. Bracketed are the lines I chose to omit for musical reasons.
I wish I had long hair now, to take down and braid.
I wish my bed were a cloud, my cover the breasts of swans.
I wish I were tall as the sky and could walk on the stars,
or small as an and and could walk in a forest of Grass.
I wish the stars were real jewels,
kept in the velvet jewel box of night,
the green glitter of Taurus [for an earring,
with the smolder of Antares. And] the dim misty fire
of the Pleiades in my hair.
[I wish I could swing the Big Dipper round, fill it
with night,
and drink the incredible nectar.
I … I wish they would stop chopping that fish
downstairs,
It makes a noise like a tortured heart.
And if the wind didn’t blow from the packinghouse, I
could be happier.]
I … I wish the world man made weren’t so ugly,
or natures world so beautiful. Then I might* be happy
sometime.
—Tillie Olsen, 1926
*I changed “might” to “could” because it is much more singable that way. This kind of liberty is often taken when setting poems to music.