suicidality supplemental texts

this is a list of supplemental texts to enhance the experience of reading my essay “on suicidality”. part bibliography, part texture, as always. and as always, this is an evolving list

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• the craziest part of me is a beacon and i trust her with my life, an essay by Clementine Morrigan about self harm, and the betrayal of well-meaning friends who don’t understand what it is to be held against your will

• as always, “you have to relax”, a 2-minute multimedia production by The Minute Hour and Drue Langlois with music from John Cage. (i’m embedding it this time because i hope that will make more people watch it)

  or as I sometimes call it, “evil Mr. Rogers vs. Kenny Loggins”

• “Harold and Maude” (1971), one of the great political films of the last century featuring a soundtrack by the towering Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam (I think he is back to Cat Stevens these days)

• “The Haunting of Hill House” (2018), one of the best examples of the “the real horror is the trauma generated by the nuclear family” genre that was in vogue for a few years there. It does have ghosts tho. Also one (1) lesbian character!

• I made a spotify playlist to go along with the essay, because apparently that is what I do now. A lot of choral music on this playlist, including Pärt and Vaughan Williams. But also a Swans track. And Daniel Johnston. Hi, how are you?

• This is a piece I wrote for children’s choir in 2020. The Ann Arbor Youth Chorale graciously premiered it in 2022. It is a setting of a little-known early poem by the 20th-century writer Tillie Olsen. The poem is from a series she wrote at age 14. I will post the complete text under the video. Bracketed are the lines I chose to omit for musical reasons.

  I wish I had long hair now, to take down and braid.
  I wish my bed were a cloud, my cover the breasts of swans.
  I wish I were tall as the sky and could walk on the stars,
  or small as an and and could walk in a forest of Grass.
  
  I wish the stars were real jewels,
  kept in the velvet jewel box of night,
  the green glitter of Taurus [for an earring,
  with the smolder of Antares. And] the dim misty fire
  of the Pleiades in my hair.
  [I wish I could swing the Big Dipper round, fill it
  with night,
  and drink the incredible nectar.
  
  I … I wish they would stop chopping that fish
  downstairs,
  It makes a noise like a tortured heart.
  And if the wind didn’t blow from the packinghouse, I
  could be happier.]
  
  I … I wish the world man made weren’t so ugly,
  or natures world so beautiful. Then I might* be happy
  sometime.
  —Tillie Olsen, 1926
  
  *I changed “might” to “could” because it is much more singable that way. This kind of liberty is often taken when setting poems to music.